It's Not You it's Me; Taking Responsibility in Conflict

       We have all heard the classic break up line either directed to us or just in a story. Someone grows tired in a relationship and for one reason or another decides to end it, but in order to soften the blow they try to take some of the blame by saying, "it's not you, it's me." I wonder how often people really mean that? Are we really shouldering responsibility for our actions or our we simply trying to make the other person feel better? In my recent marriage to a great, godly man I have found that there can be a place for that phrase that instead of breaking off relationship can bring healing in the wake of conflict.
       Growing up, my mom had many books on Christian marriage and how to be a good wife lying around the house. I read many of those books and assumed that I was now a marriage expert. (Now I laugh when I think of how naive that thought was ;)). I thought that Parker and I would sail through at least the first 6 months of our marriage without a single conflict because I would graciously submit to his every wish and he would bring home flowers every night because I was such a wonderful wife. To my great surprise, not 6 months or even six days into our marriage we had our first conflict; not necessarily what you would call a fight but a rupture in the smooth tranquility that was to be my life. I was shocked! How could this be!!! I knew all the right things and had all the right training, there must be something wrong. In my pride I immediately assumed that the problem must be my new husband.
       Because I thought the problem must be originating with my husband I began to look for character flaws in him that would create conflict. First I thought, he must never apologize, that's why I'm always upset with him. After this thought I began to watch and to my disbelief, without fail, after ever misunderstanding he would take responsibility for his share and ask my forgiveness. Still not getting it, I looked for other things that would cause my "righteous" indignation. Unfortunately, when you look for problems you are eventually going to find something. I began nit picking at my husband, crying at every little thing, and over all feeling very abused. Looking back on my selfishness of those months makes be blush with shame. I would over look so many good, kind things he did for me because I was too busy nursing my wounds over imaginary injuries.
       In the summer months we began to go through some transition in our marriage involving looking for a new church home. Just over a month ago we began attending a church that has become such a blessing in so many ways and one of the main things it has convicted me of was looking at my life as if I was the victim. Instead of seeing how Jesus was using my life situations to make me more like himself I would pout and cry about how much I had to put up with. As I began to look outward instead of inward I realized just how blind I had become. One day I was in the kitchen making lunch and Parker came in and folded me into his arms and just held me for a moment. At that exact time it hit me. He was not the one who had changed in our marriage. He was the same loving man I had fallen in love with the year before while we were dating. All of the time that I thought he was causing the conflict in our marriage I had completely forgotten to account for the unrealistic expectations and pride in my own heart. Conviction and repentance hit me as I realized my mistake. I tried to mumble out an explanation to Parker through my tears but I'm not sure how well that worked. ;)
       Now that we were both willing to take responsibility for our own actions, conflict had dropped too a mere ruffle that is quickly subdued instead of the days long affairs of the past. I am not saying that we are doing this perfect or that we will never have a fight again. What I am saying is that when we are both willing to say "it's me, I did wrong," with God's help, things cannot get out of hand. God has been so gracious to us as we seek him in these early stages of our marriage by showing us this. What if in every relationship we were able to humbly admit when we were wrong and seek true reconciliation? What if the most classic break up line in history were to be used instead as one of the biggest means of healing broken relationship? Well I would say that was just another example of God turning to world upside down as his people choose to do his will.